Anger is something that we all feel at different points in our lives, it is a part of being human. It can protect us from harm or act as a motivation for change. But like most other things in life too much of it can have disastrous consequences. Learning healthy ways to identify, manage and express our anger is important for our mental and physical health.
The cause of anger and when to seek help?
Anger may arise when we feel threatened, attacked, powerless or unfairly treated. However, if we find ourselves regularly expressing our anger in ways that are destructive to ourselves and those around us then we may have an anger management problem.
Types of anger
Anger can manifest itself in the following ways:
- Outward aggression through shouting and violence
- Inward aggression through acts of self-harm
- Passive aggression through subtle hostile actions such as sarcasm or lack of co-operation
One of the reasons why our responses to anger may differ can be explained through our childhood experiences. Primary socialisation takes place within the family structure. It is where children learn how to communicate their needs. Some forms of communication will be learnt as acceptable and others as not.
Some families use aggression as a means of getting their needs met. After all, anger can often get results. Members will use anger as a tool to get what they want; this can be at times seen through shouting contests or through threats of physical violence. Other families may be on the opposite side of the spectrum and view anger as completely unacceptable. When members within this type of family experience their boundaries being crossed, rather than accept and express their emotions and needs, they will deny it, remain silent and turn their anger inwards. They may fume silently and overtime start to display physical symptoms. Their needs may often go unmet as they haven’t been able to express themselves and overtime feelings of resentment may begin to fester. Anger can cause both groups too either push people away from them or keep themselves away from others, leaving them feeling lonely and isolated.
Signs of anger
When we become angry, we may feel:
- Hot and sweaty
- An increased and rapid heartbeat
- Faster breathing
- Tensing of our jaw, shoulders, arms, fists and other muscles
- Agitated
- Shaking or trembling
When we are angry, we may become:
- Easily irritated
- Tense
- Unable to relax
- Resentful
Understanding anger
Looking at anger as a secondary emotion can be helpful. This means that viewing anger as something that is often covering up a more basic and vulnerable emotion such as sadness. For example, when someone doesn’t invite you to a gathering, then you may experience anger at that person when in reality underneath the anger, you are feeling hurt. If someone pushes in front of you in a que, the flames of anger may rise up again but underneath them, lie feelings of being unjustly treated or disrespected. You may get angry at your spouse and children for ‘small things’ but what you may be feeling is stressed or unappreciated. Angry people are often out of tune with their systems and the problem could lie in their inability to acknowledge how saturated they feel. The key here would be to try and express the feelings rather than the expressing the anger. For example you may say
“I felt left out and hurt that you didn’t invite me to party”
“I’ve been waiting to get served, and I feel that it’s unfair that you have cut the que”
“I feel stressed and overwhelmed with looking after the children all day, can you please help me get them ready for bed?”
This allows the other person to utilise their empathy and get a true message of what’s going on for you rather than preparing their own tools for battle. They get to understand your needs better and in turn will be encouraged to express their own needs more effectively, leading to a healthier relationship.
Anger management stages
For successful anger management to take place one must be able to;
- Identify the early signs of anger that take place within one’s body and mind.
- Pause and reflect on the situation at hand. The need of the opposite party, our own feelings and needs, and the possible consequences if we are to act in anger.
- Express own feelings and needs positively.
By being able to identify the early signs of anger and understanding our own core feelings, we can implement the ‘pause’ button and create space between ourselves and the anger. Thus giving us breathing space to cool down and communicate our needs in a more effective way.
For 12 practical tips to manage your anger please click here. If you would like help with managing your anger please feel free to contact us. If you have found this post helpful please do share.